Raise your hands if you want to read the beginning of my non-existent novel. Let’s assume it’s favorably unanimous. I came across this piece of writing recently, having stowed it away on my iPad years ago where it was quickly forgotten (maybe deservedly so). I’m not sure now where I was planning to go with this, but find it somewhat intriguing. It’s almost embarrassingly autobiographical; I guess I took the advice “write what you know,” literally. I think I was going to write about what would happen if a writer began to get lost in his/her own rewriting of reality and what effect that might have on not only the writer, but also those whom the writer knew. Without further ado:
The Writer’s Journal
I am a writer. There, I’ve said it. I think of things to say and I write them down and give them life. I take these strange little symbols, arrange them like so, and voila – a story emerges, a character steps onto the stage, a world forms before your very eyes. I used to think I was very god-like in that respect. What greater hubris is there than to think that I have made something completely new and breathed life into it? Like the mad scientist, I would rub my hands together with glee, cackling “It lives!!!” But that was before I realized that I was not controlling and creating these things; they were controlling me. Was it sanity or madness swirling around in my brain? You decide.
First of all, you must know that I am an Idealist with a capital I. In fact, I really think all of the letters should be capitalized in my case: IDEALIST. With a few exclamation points for emphasis: IDEALIST!!! (Never met an exclamation point that I didn’t like.). It’s possible that idealism has made a victim out of me, but I prefer to think that I am the keeper of all good outcomes, whether or not they materialize. Perhaps a better word to describe me would be The Happy Ending Girl. The Anti-Eeyore. (And if you don’t know who Eeyore is, close this book right now and go read Winnie-the Pooh or bow your head in shame – it’s your choice.). I discovered some time ago that if I didn’t like the way things were going, I could write a better story, a different ending, as it were, and find fulfillment that way. You, of course, as a rational, thinking person, can see the danger in that right away, but I was too young and naive to understand that I was meddling with things that weren’t my bailiwick.
Shall we start at the beginning? Well, maybe not the very beginning, since you will be completely uninterested in my tender years of childhood. Just a couple items of note to mention:
1. From early on whenever I was being punished and kept in my room, I decided that I had been switched at birth and although I was being raised by these “peasants,” I was actually the daughter of royalty! I’d spin a little fantasy about how my true parents, the King and Queen, were actually searching for me to rescue me from this dreary existence. There were a few holes in this story (like why the King and Queen would be having their baby at the same hospital as my parents), but I ignored them.
2. I was extremely self-conscious. Painfully so. This meant that at any given moment I was convinced that people were watching me, even if their attentions appeared to be elsewhere. If nobody else was around, I imagined that there were people who could see me through any reflective surface, mirrors, doorknobs, faucets… I was never truly alone. I could never lose myself in anything and was alternatively puffed up or horrified by what these “others” could see me doing. Always exposed. I could never really be “me,” I had to be the person that these others wanted me to be, or at least how I wanted to be perceived by them. Think of me as a changling with only one skin.
Even for me, it’s hard to say where, when and how this whole mess really started, but if pressed, I would have to say that the seeds were planted and began to grow in my first year of college. I went to a huge university, the kind of place where you could easily get lost in classes of 300 or more. Believe it or not, this is the perfect environment for the introvert, abounding in places to hide, both figuratively and literally.

Trying to write fiction makes me appreciate those who can really do it well.
I’ll probably delete this in the morning.