Friday, December 18, 2020 The Magpie Tells All

I can’t decide if I am just really busy these days, or just using my time badly, but I’ve had a hard time writing blog posts this week. Could it be the approaching holiday? Anyway, here’s what I’m going to do today: I’m going to cycle back through my photos, pick one at random and see what I can find to write about it. We’ll either be calling it “The Writer’s Challenge,” or “Writer’s Block Disguised as a Blog Post.” Or maybe “Mischief Managed.” I borrowed that from J.K. Rowling.

So here I go – I’ll be right back with a photo.

The Magpie’s’ Story

I am related to the common crow, but clearly I drank from the better parts of that genetic pool. We’ll call him a distant cousin – very distant. I wouldn’t nod to him if I saw him on the same branch on which I was perched.

Having established that, allow me to clear my name of centuries of false accusations. I do NOT – I repeat – I do NOT steal shiny items from people. I speak for my whole family, even the nefarious Uncle Ned. No, you can’t steal something that belongs to you. We magpies have always maintained that the Shiny Items of this world are a permanent part of our Family Treasure. It’s written in our founding documents somewhere, all properly notated, with all the legalese you could possible want (various repetitions of the phrase “per stirpes” give it just the right amount of gravitas). If you have a Shiny Item such as a watch, a spoon, a necklace, or bottle top, we consider it ours and it is our solemn duty to bring it back into our possession. This is not stealing – it is reclamation.

So, other than that, what can I tell you about myself? I’m one of the smartest birds around – I can even recognize myself in the mirror. And when I do, I sing a little song that some of you may know:

I feel pretty,
oh so pretty!
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any bird who isn’t me tonight!

Someone else stole that song from the Magpie Musicians’ Guild and the next thing you know, some twit named Maria is singing it in a tragic movie called “West Side Story.” I tell you, we magpies are weary of our property being stolen.

There’s so much more to tell you, but I’ve got to fly away – I see something glinting in the sun over yonder and feel certain there’s more of our Family Treasure just waiting to be reclaimed. You’ve been a great audience – farewell!

I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and wonder if I really wrote all that nonsense, and then I’ll decisively delete it before the Magpie Bloggers’ Guild comes after me with a lawsuit.