Wednesday, May 17, 2023 The Best Apple Tree Beauty Contest

We have a beauty contest going on in our yard without all the usual fanfare. There’s no press coverage, no assembled guests, and no ordinary music (we allow for the general music provided by the Great Conductor in the form of birds, insects and gentle breezes). Vying for the title of Miss Best Apple Tree are our three contestants: Miss Crabapple (who begs you not to be put off by her name), Miss Zestar and Miss Honeycrisp. Let’s listen in as these three beautiful contestants are interviewed by the emcee.

Emcee: Miss Crabapple, what can you tell us about yourself?
Miss C: Unlike these other two ladies who are alike enough to be twins, I have a unique presence in the yard. My brilliant pink blossoms are profuse and fragrant and in a much larger array than my competitors (God bless them, of course). Please note that I have also thoughtfully and with no apparent effort provided the pink carpet for this event.
Emcee: Can you tell us something about your fruit?
Miss C: As you probably know, I’m an ornamental fruit tree; my talents lie in other directions.
Emcee: Such as…
Miss C: I’m very proud of the fact that I play a big part in pollinating the flowers of these “little sisters” of mine so that they can bear fruit.
Emcee: That’s quite an accomplishment! Thank you, Miss Crabapple.

Emcee: And now we come to Miss Zestar, wearing a lovely white gown. Miss Zestar, how do you differentiate yourself from Miss Honeycrisp? As Miss Crabapple pointed out, you two look enough alike to be peas in a pod!
Miss Z: Well, to the discerning eye (no offense to my bulky friend Miss CRAB-apple), we are quite different. Although Miss Honeycrisp wears a fine plain white gown, it has none of the flair which attends mine in the form of these lovely pink highlights at the edges.
Emcee: I see. Do you have any particular talents that you’d like to mention?
Miss Z: I’m not just an ornamental tree, that’s for sure. Say what you will about the flowers, the proof is in the pudding, or in this case, in the fruit. I don’t like to brag (like SOME), but I was specially developed to bear fruit in these sometimes harsh northern climes and I’m known for my early ripening season. My deep red apples are crispy, light and sweet. Eat them fresh off the tree or use them in baked goods, desserts and salads. And people praise my apples for having a long shelf life. But I’m still just a humble little tree for all that.
Emcee: Depends on how you define “humble,” I guess. Thank you for your time.

Emcee: And now for our last contestant. Miss Honeycrisp, are we saving the best for last? What can you tell us about yourself?
Miss H: Thank you for including me in this illustrious contest. I feel a bit like the country mouse who came to the big city. I also want to thank Miss Crabapple for her efforts in pollinating my flowers. I couldn’t do what I do without her. As for Miss Zestar, she certainly dazzles with that pink accent on her flowers. I feel almost ashamed to come before you in my simple white gown. Perhaps the best thing I can tell you about myself is that I deliver the goods.
Emcee: What do you mean by that?
Miss H: Year after year I’ll give you fruit that’s consistently large, well-shaped, crisp and honey-sweet, and mostly blemish free. I’ve often felt bad for poor Miss Zestar who tries so hard but yet still ends up with misshapen fruit that is sometimes a little wormy, through no fault of her own. I know that her best efforts are quite good indeed.
Emcee: Do you ever encounter hardships yourself?
Miss H: Oh my, I could make you shiver with horror to describe the two years in a row that both Miss Z and I were positively ravaged by Japanese beetles. It was quite shocking and ruinous! Fortunately we were made to survive and I thank the Lord of All Apple Trees for His kindnesses to us.

Emcee: Well, that wraps up this portion of the contest. Let the votes come in!

I’ll probably delete this in the morning unless I’m too busy counting votes.