Forget about the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast. I’ve got the real thing for you.
When we moved into this house over 20 years ago, it was already occupied by the enemy. These tiny invaders go by the unassuming name of “Asian Beetles” and they look a lot like their charming cousins, Ladybugs. But that’s where the similarities end.
I’ve developed an informative and accurate poster to help you distinguish between these two beetles, the true Beauty and Beast.
Every fall when the fields are harvested, the AB’s make their way over to our vulnerable homes. There is no way to stop the incursion. They are devilishly clever, coming in through tiny places that we can’t see. Once they’ve gotten in, they can be found in every room. Then they get comfortable and die. We find their carcasses all over. For all these years, we’ve tolerated them, although I’m not sure you can use the word “tolerate,” when it is accompanied by loathing. Occasionally I’d plug in a canister vacuum and try to exterminate as many as I could, but a canister vacuum is not all that handy to drag around from place to place.
Enter the handheld vacuum. In fact, the entrance of the handheld vacuum should be accompanied by applause and a ticker tape parade. At last, I have the right weapon to vanquish these little orange devils once and for all. I have become, to my complete surprise, an avid hunter. My husband thinks I should have a holster for it.
Every day, a couple times a day, I grab the vacuum and make my way around the house in order to seek, find and destroy the invaders. I have studied my enemy and learned its ways. I know all the places now where they hang out. They cannot escape.
The other thing that has surprised me is how much joy I get in eradicating these little guys. When you vacuum them up, they die with a horrible stench, a stench that has become music to my nose (sorry for the mixed metaphor). I hear their carcasses being tossed around in the little receptacle and I feel the pleasure of the hunter killing the prey.
Does that seem too dark? Too bloodthirsty? Over the top? Let me give you an illustration of their perfidy. Just tonight, I was finishing the water in my water cup with a straw, when into my mouth came a solid little object. Yes, my friends, that’s why I abhor the AB. I spit it out of my mouth (it was still alive), perched it on my finger, and vacuumed it up where it joined a hundred or so of its brethren.
Is the Asian Beetle the result of the Fall of Man and the entrance of sin into the world? I have a friend who likes to say that mosquitos came in on Satan’s back when he slithered into the Garden of Eden. It’s purely speculation, but I’m prepared to believe that the ABs came in the same way.
I’ll probably vacuum this up in the morning.
